Tanja:
Welcome everyone to this episode of Marriage, Mayhem, and Mercy. I’m talking to Paul Highfill, and we’re going to be discussing Hosea and what we can learn about marriage from the story of Hosea and Gomer. Paul, why don’t you say a little about yourself and what you’re doing in this space?
Paul:
I appreciate the invite and I’m looking forward to talking about a difficult story we don’t always turn to. I’m a marriage and family therapist. I’ve had my degree since 2005 and have worked in community services with families and children, spending a lot of time in foster care—working with foster care agencies, not as a foster parent.
I’ve seen a lot of struggle with family dynamics and marriages that haven’t gone well, sometimes ending with kids not being able to stay with their parents. I’m currently directing quality and compliance for a foster care agency. It’s a behind-the-scenes, often thankless job, but we’re caring for a lot of kids and doing good work. I’m passionate about serving God and finding Him in difficult places. I’m married—this is my third marriage—so I’ve been through some things personally and seen a lot professionally. I appreciate the chance to talk about what God is telling us through Hosea.
Tanja:
I’m really glad you’re here. From our previous conversation, I know you have so much wisdom to add, and God really uses the messes we get ourselves into to prepare us for what He calls us to.
That’s a good lead-in to framing Hosea’s story for our listeners. In many online Christian spaces, I’ve seen the story of Hosea used like a club against people wondering whether they should stay in a marriage after repeated infidelity. We need to be clear: Hosea is not necessarily prescriptive—this isn’t God telling us to stay no matter what. It’s a picture of God’s love for His people. He chose Israel not because they would be faithful but knowing they would be unfaithful, and through that He demonstrated the full capacity of divine love. Hosea is a picture of God’s love for His people—including us in Christ in all our unfaithfulness.
As it applies to marriage, there’s a lot we can pull out. One practical caution: people often think they can change a fiancé or spouse by marrying them—as if marriage will fix pornography addiction, promiscuity, or other destructive habits. That’s not true. Change comes with repentance—turning away from sin and toward God. Only Christ can bring real transformation.
Even so, we can learn a lot about loving our spouse from the way God’s love is shown in Hosea. So, Paul, when you think about Hosea’s obedience to stay with his wandering wife Gomer—who may have been a temple prostitute—what parallels do you see for couples walking through betrayal today? And what does betrayal look like? Is it only sexual?
Paul:
It’s important to look at the backstory between God and Israel. God chose the Israelites knowing their free will and foreseeing their struggle—chasing idols, trusting in themselves, being faithful to things that had nothing to do with Him—yet He chose them anyway. Their rejection ultimately opened the way for Gentiles to be grafted in.
God knew what He was getting into when He chose Israel. We don’t always have that foresight when we choose a spouse. We believe our choice has power—that if we choose someone, they’ll behave according to that choice. But authentic, unconditional agape love doesn’t come with an expectation of change. It accepts the person as they are when we truly know them. The problem today is we don’t take time to really know people. We take them at face value, overlook deeper values, and later realize the person we’re with isn’t who we thought they were.
Tanja:
That’s so good. When I was reading Hosea, I noticed in 4:11 that “harlotry and wine” enslave the heart—sex and alcohol. Even in Christian circles, many assume sex before marriage is inevitable. They don’t realize it not only creates a powerful bond but also puts rose-colored glasses on the relationship. You won’t see clearly when you’re already sleeping together. Often alcohol is involved, defenses are down, and one thing leads to another.
On the other side, in some conservative circles, there’s fear that if couples don’t marry immediately, they’ll fall into sexual sin—so engagements are rushed. They don’t really get to know each other or each other’s families, which can be just as dangerous as jumping into sex. That’s different from Hosea’s case—God told Hosea to take Gomer knowing she was a prostitute. He knew what he was getting into. Many of us think we know, but we don’t realize the long-term implications of ongoing behaviors.
So how do we speak to people who got into sex too quickly or married too quickly to avoid sin, and now think, “Maybe I made the wrong choice; my spouse isn’t changing”? You noted unconditional love doesn’t demand change, but many discover they didn’t know the person well—then start nagging, picking, and criticizing, which leads to conflict. Speak to all of that.
Paul:
The word that stands out is avoid. Avoidance has plagued recent generations. We’ve been inundated with substitutes for real connection that keep us away from our pain and the reality of consequences.
There are natural consequences when we choose what isn’t good for us. We substitute what feels good for what is right. We often make choices based on feelings or thinking—but not both. Feelings alone get us into trouble, especially with intimacy and sex. Sex feels good but isn’t always good for us. Alcohol slows our brains and inhibits the prefrontal cortex, so we don’t make good decisions, and we may not even remember what we did. Avoiding reality leads to not seeing God.
Hosea knew God, and God knew Hosea. God knew Hosea would be attracted to Gomer and that they’d have a connection, but her heart wasn’t as close to God as Hosea’s. God knew Hosea would be obedient—that’s why He chose him as a prophet. When we’re loyal to God, His love sustains us even when love isn’t returned.
Tanja:
Circling back to the brain: alcohol can bypass the prefrontal cortex—the decision-making “command center.” Sexual activity can do something similar. We don’t talk about that enough, even with teens. When they ask, “How far can we go?” the real question is, “Do you want to stay in control?” Because once that command center is offline, you’re not deciding from truth or obedience—you’re driven by feelings.
We need balance—thinking and feeling. Feelings are like dashboard indicators. They can show that something’s wrong or low, but sometimes what’s wrong is inside us—distorted thoughts or interpretations. If we suppress emotions, pressure builds and we explode or act impulsively. Even elation can lead to foolish choices if we’re not grounded. So we pay attention to emotions, uncover the thoughts beneath them, and align our minds with the gospel so we can respond, not react.
Let’s connect that to marriage. Distractions help us avoid both feeling and thinking, and we have far more distractions than in Hosea’s time.
Paul:
In Hosea’s day there wasn’t much to distract people from choosing God or not. Israel struggled with identity—who they were in God’s image versus who they were in human terms. They relied on their own strength and free will, which led to wandering, divided kingdoms, and misplaced loyalties. Yet God fulfilled His covenant. Hosea shows loyalty to God even when obedience is hard. That’s covenant: keeping promises even when it doesn’t feel good, trusting that obedience leads to eternal joy.
We focus on the temporary instead of the eternal. We want to live in the moment and also know the future, but those desires conflict. God calls us to be present with Him and promises enough for today. If He promised to be tangibly with us for three months, we might ignore Him for three months. The battle between flesh and spirit is remembering who we are with and without God, and not getting lost in our free will.
Tanja:
I love that you brought up identity. Modern society says we can choose our identity, define our truth, and even make our own religions—choices that don’t line up with God’s truth. When our hearts align with the gospel, we understand what “identity in Christ” means. We are adopted into God’s family—princes and princesses in a royal family—part of a kingdom with infinite resource. I’m not talking prosperity gospel; I’m talking trust. When we rely on God’s provision—relationally, materially, spiritually—our decisions align with our identity as His children.
You also raised the idea of value. When we’re secure in our identity as God’s children, we value what He values. And you mentioned divided kingdoms—that picture fits our hearts divided between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of self. That’s where idolatry comes from. Paganism says, “If you keep the gods happy, you’ll be safe and prosperous.” That’s self-interest. The kingdom of God says, “Seek first My kingdom and My righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” We don’t have to worry. Jesus reminds us the lilies are clothed and the birds are fed. God has infinite resources.
