Spotting Contempt Early in Marriage (and Why It’s Never Too Late to Heal)

Kevin and I will soon celebrate 40 years of marriage. Four decades together have been full of laughter, tears, struggles, and victories. Along the way, we’ve learned plenty — usually the hard way. One lesson has stuck with me: contempt doesn’t arrive suddenly. It creeps in slowly.

That’s why our new podcast, Marriage, Mayhem & Mercy, begins with two episodes of us talking candidly about our journey — the highs, the lows, the scars, and the surprising ways God met us. If there’s one thing couples need to know, it’s this: contempt is deadly, but it’s not irreversible.

Why Contempt Is So Dangerous

Most couples don’t wake up one day hating each other. Instead, years of not feeling heard, seen, or valued build up until the eye-rolls, the sarcasm, or the cold shoulders take over.

Resentment is the seed. Contempt is the bitter fruit.

John Gottman, a well-known marriage researcher, calls contempt the single biggest predictor of divorce. That’s because contempt isn’t just irritation — it’s disdain. It communicates, “You’re beneath me. You’re not worth listening to.”

When contempt enters a marriage, three things happen:

• Communication collapses. Criticism replaces curiosity. Conversations become win/lose battles.
• Respect vanishes. Without respect, even love starts to suffocate.
• Intimacy fades. Emotional safety disappears, and physical closeness usually follows.

But the Bible saw this long before psychology put language to it. Proverbs warns: “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife” (21:19). That verse may sound harsh, but the principle applies to either spouse — contempt corrodes peace at home.

David and Michal: A Case Study in Resentment

In 2 Samuel 6, Michal looks out a window and despises David as he dances before the Lord. At first glance, it seems like a random burst of disdain. But their history reveals years of disappointment and hurt.

• Early love: Michal once risked her life to save David (1 Samuel 19). She lowered him from a window and lied to Saul’s men — bold proof of her devotion.
  
• Political betrayal: Saul later gave her to another man. Imagine the humiliation of being treated as a pawn in political games! Later, David reclaimed her, but not out of longing — it was part of a negotiation (2 Samuel 3).
  
• A crowded palace: By the time Michal returned, David had multiple wives. She was no longer the beloved first wife; she was one among many.
  
• Unspoken wounds: Scripture records no reconciliation between them. Only sarcasm from Michal, defensiveness from David, and silence that hardened into bitterness.
  

So when Michal saw David dancing with abandon, despising him in her heart wasn’t about that single moment. It was the eruption of years of unresolved pain.

Their story ended in contempt and silence. But yours doesn’t have to.

What if contentment had taken root in Michal’s heart? She could not change the betrayals or David’s choices, but she could have rested her worth in God’s steadfast love. Contentment doesn’t erase wounds, but it guards the heart from turning grief into scorn.

If They Were in My Coaching Office…

If David and Michal had been sitting across from me, here’s how I would have approached their situation using my Faithful Marriage Coaching Framework:

• Slow the Defensiveness. David’s sharp response only reinforced the wall between them. I’d help him practice listening without jumping to self-justification — creating space for Michal’s pain to be expressed.
  
• Give Voice to Unspoken Hurts. Michal’s sarcasm was really grief in disguise. Years of feeling used, forgotten, and discarded needed to be named safely. Coaching creates a space where buried pain can surface without fear of dismissal.
  
• Rebuild Respect with Small Choices. Respect doesn’t return with one grand gesture. It grows in daily actions — listening without interrupting, honoring each other’s perspectives, affirming dignity in small, consistent ways.
  

Notice: this isn’t “therapy” where spouses endlessly air grievances and leave raw. Coaching is forward-moving. We identify cycles, uncover roots, and practice new skills so that change actually takes place at home.

But even with new tools, one more piece is essential: the posture of contentment. Without it, even small disappointments can harden into contempt. With it, a spouse can endure hard seasons without losing hope.

Spotting the Signs in Your Marriage

Maybe you’ve noticed the early warning signs in your own relationship:

• The sighs and eye-rolls.
• The sarcasm that stings more than it jokes.
• The way you feel like roommates, not partners.

These aren’t quirks. They’re signals. Contempt is beginning to poison the atmosphere.

The earlier you notice it, the easier it is to turn things around. But even if it’s been building for years, hope is not lost. God’s grace is bigger than years of silent wounds. And with new skills, couples can learn to listen, speak, and honor each other again.

Contentment plays a role here too. It doesn’t mean ignoring those signals. It means saying, “Even while things feel bleak, I can choose to rest in God’s sufficiency instead of sinking deeper into resentment.”

Shifting from Criticism to Connection

What does this look like in practice? Here are a few simple shifts I coach couples through:

From Complaint to Request
Complaint: “You never help around here.”
Request: “Could you take care of bedtime tonight so I can clean up the kitchen?”

From Sarcasm to Vulnerability
Sarcasm: “Well, aren’t you just the perfect husband.”
Vulnerability: “I felt hurt when you laughed at my expense at dinner.”

From Silent Resentment to Honest Sharing
Silent: Stuffing frustration until it leaks in passive-aggression.
Honest: Naming a disappointment gently, with openness to finding solutions.

These small changes build safety and respect — the soil where intimacy can grow again.

And when paired with contentment, they become even more powerful. Contentment reminds us: “My worth is not at stake in this disagreement. My peace doesn’t depend on my spouse’s response. I am held by God, and that steadiness frees me to approach my spouse with grace.”

The Role of Contentment

Resentment grows in the soil of discontent — when we expect our spouse to meet every need, or when we stew on what’s missing instead of practicing gratitude.

But biblical contentment is not denial. It doesn’t mean pretending problems don’t exist or excusing sin. It doesn’t mean staying silent in the face of hurt. Instead, it means anchoring joy and peace in God’s love so that disappointment doesn’t consume us.

Paul wrote Philippians from prison, not from a stress-free life. His joy wasn’t rooted in comfort or easy relationships, but in Christ’s presence. He declared, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances” (Philippians 4:11). That same resilience is available to us.

Contentment is not… pretending everything is fine, excusing neglect, or silencing pain.
Contentment is… choosing peace in Christ, holding gratitude and grief together, and anchoring joy in God even when earthly relationships falter.

This is just as true in marriage as it is in parenting a special-needs child, enduring a demanding job, or facing health challenges. No amount of willpower changes hard circumstances, but contentment provides the spiritual oxygen to keep breathing.

When contentment takes root in the heart, contempt loses its grip.

That’s why I created the Cultivating Contentment Bible Study — to give couples and families a way to practice contentment daily, not as denial of problems, but as strength to face them with grace.

Practical Ways to Practice Contentment

Here are some simple practices to help contentment grow:

• Gratitude journaling. Write down three mercies from God each day, no matter how small.
• Breath prayers. Inhale: “Father, You are enough.” Exhale: “I rest in You.”
• Naming losses and gifts. Bring both before God — the disappointments that weigh you down and the blessings that lift your heart.
• Meditating on Philippians 4. Revisit verses 4–8 daily, letting them shape your thoughts and prayers.

These are not quick fixes for marriage problems. But they cultivate a heart posture that keeps resentment from rotting into contempt.

It’s Never Too Late

Even if contempt has been simmering for years, it’s not too late. I’ve seen couples who thought their marriage was beyond repair rebuild respect, relearn trust, and rediscover intimacy.

But it rarely happens without intentional help. Left on their own, most couples keep repeating the same patterns. With guidance, they can break the cycle.

Contentment strengthens the process because it sustains you in the waiting. Even when your spouse is slow to change, you can find steadiness in God’s love and keep your heart tender.

Faithful Steps Forward

Kevin and I have walked this road ourselves. We’ve faced seasons of disconnect, and we’ve also seen God redeem them with new tools and renewed hearts. That’s why I’m passionate about helping other couples do the same.

Here are some next steps you can take:

🎧 Listen to the podcast. Marriage, Mayhem & Mercy opens with our honest conversation about 40 years of marriage — what we’ve learned about contempt, communication, and God’s mercy. Listen here

📖 Start the Bible Study. Cultivating Contentment will help you shift your mindset, anchor your joy in God, and practice gratitude in daily life. Start here.

💬 Book a Strategy Session. If contempt has been growing in your marriage, I’d love to walk with you. My coaching is not therapy where you air grievances and leave raw. It’s a guided process where you’ll learn practical skills: communication, conflict resolution, boundaries, and rebuilding respect.

👉 Your first strategy session is paid, but the fee is applied toward future coaching if you continue. Think of it as an investment in starting strong. Book your session here

Closing Word

You don’t have to wait for contempt to wreck your marriage. With humility, honesty, contentment, and God’s help, you can spot the signs, turn things around, and discover the joy of truly seeing and being seen again.